It was not a good year.

Early January I learnt about my mother´s terminal disease, in April she passed away. She had been sick for a year and they did not tell me about it, not to worry me or to disturb my life they said, but I feel like I was left aside and did not get the chance to be there for her, to help her, to spend time with her and to show her how important she was to me. I have heard similar behaviors from a lot of people living abroad away from their families, I have a hard time accepting it, even if I know it was to protect me, it took away some precious moments I could have shared with her.

While I am dealing with that and the fact that I feel guilty because if I had not been living far away I would not have been left aside, I must also live with grief and I need to understand that she won´t be there when I go back home next time.

I was on her death bed, they called me the day before and I took the first flight to France , I could be there a few hours before she passed,  I sat beside her bed holding her hand but she was never conscious and I will never know if she knew I was there.

There are so many things I feel I should have said and done, I thought I had time , I thought she would live many more years and I certainly was not ready for this. For me who did not know,  it took 3 months,  unlike the rest of the family who had 1 year with her from the time they knew about the cancer.

 

Now I have to live with this and go on but it is always easier said than done , until you experience the loss of a mother you can´t understand what it feels like.

 

I have not set a foot in a training room this year, I have not set a foot outside on my balcony this summer, and living in Sweden believe me you are waiting for the summer for months and you get out as much as you can while you can!

I have not done anything at all this summer, I stayed in my apartment most of the time watching movies. I allowed myself to grieve, I allowed myself the time it took but I know I can´t go on like this because it is starting to affect my health. Now because of inactivity,  I get back and neck problems, to the point that my doctor said I should wait until I get back to training. Inactivity is affecting my body and my mind and I need to get back on track soon.

 

For those who have read my blog, at the beginning I am talking about how JKD changed my life and how training has made me a better person. I have tried to find these feelings again but I could not get to  feel that again this passed year.

I am not making a new year resolution,  this is just ridiculous to me , I am taking the decision to not let my grief take me down to the point I can´t get back up. The whole point with JKD is to not get down but if you do,  get the hell back up as soon as you can and soon is now.