People have told me the first year of grief is the worst and it gets better after that  but this is only when you are there that you know it is true or not. I don´t think it is true for everyone  but as far as I am concerned it took me one year  to wake up from the status I put myself in. I chose to stop being social, meet with friends, go out and train all together. I just could not do things,  not that I did not want to but  I felt my body would collapse if I did. I really don´t think something was wrong with my body but definetly with my mind.  My mother is gone and I still can´t really understand it but the difference between now and the past year is that I don´t take this as an excuse to burry myself and let myself go.I feel I am very harsh with myself by saying that but this is because I can´t go on like this forever, now is time to wake up and not only for me but because she would have wanted me to.

So I have started training again and the first session was not that intense but it almost killed me ! not so surprising considering the one year inactivity, the best part is that I felt so happy even if I could not move for almost 3 days!

It was not a good year.

Early January I learnt about my mother´s terminal disease, in April she passed away. She had been sick for a year and they did not tell me about it, not to worry me or to disturb my life they said, but I feel like I was left aside and did not get the chance to be there for her, to help her, to spend time with her and to show her how important she was to me. I have heard similar behaviors from a lot of people living abroad away from their families, I have a hard time accepting it, even if I know it was to protect me, it took away some precious moments I could have shared with her.

While I am dealing with that and the fact that I feel guilty because if I had not been living far away I would not have been left aside, I must also live with grief and I need to understand that she won´t be there when I go back home next time.

I was on her death bed, they called me the day before and I took the first flight to France , I could be there a few hours before she passed,  I sat beside her bed holding her hand but she was never conscious and I will never know if she knew I was there.

There are so many things I feel I should have said and done, I thought I had time , I thought she would live many more years and I certainly was not ready for this. For me who did not know,  it took 3 months,  unlike the rest of the family who had 1 year with her from the time they knew about the cancer.

 

Now I have to live with this and go on but it is always easier said than done , until you experience the loss of a mother you can´t understand what it feels like.

 

I have not set a foot in a training room this year, I have not set a foot outside on my balcony this summer, and living in Sweden believe me you are waiting for the summer for months and you get out as much as you can while you can!

I have not done anything at all this summer, I stayed in my apartment most of the time watching movies. I allowed myself to grieve, I allowed myself the time it took but I know I can´t go on like this because it is starting to affect my health. Now because of inactivity,  I get back and neck problems, to the point that my doctor said I should wait until I get back to training. Inactivity is affecting my body and my mind and I need to get back on track soon.

 

For those who have read my blog, at the beginning I am talking about how JKD changed my life and how training has made me a better person. I have tried to find these feelings again but I could not get to  feel that again this passed year.

I am not making a new year resolution,  this is just ridiculous to me , I am taking the decision to not let my grief take me down to the point I can´t get back up. The whole point with JKD is to not get down but if you do,  get the hell back up as soon as you can and soon is now.

 

 

 

This is a martial art blog alright but I want to talk about another type of fighter, someone who fought till the end, I mean the fighting spirit,  the force of the mind , I mean my mother.

I just lost her, she fought till the end with her mind as her body just let her down. She had numerous illnesses,  cancer, MS, extreme asthma and some other stuff. She fought so well for one year that people who did not know would have never guessed she was sick and apart from the obvious MS symptoms, she showed nothing else,  this is why her passing was a big surprise for most people. Apart from the closest family she did not want anyone to know she was sick, she did not want anybody feel sorry for her.

I want to talk about the incredible state of mind she had towards the illnesses, most people would have given up including me and If I call myself a fighter, well I am far from being as strong as her.  I am convinced her mind  controlled her body and even if she lost the fight at the end, she gave the cancer a serious kick in the B! They gave her 6 months and she got one year, I am sure this has to do with her state of mind, she never let the illnesses take her down and change her spirit and love for life .

I am weak right now because I lost her, because I did not get enough time with her and because I feel guilty to live in another country far from my family and because I  am not there for them. Right now I am down, I am not afraid to say it and it would be so easy to tell myself it is no use to fight because at the end you lose anyways, but if my mother had let herself down she would have lived 6 months and not 12, I am sure of that.

The new goal of my life is to become as  strong as her for the day I have to face a terminal illness or some other nasty stuff.

If you ask me  who is my hero, I would say my mom.

Glad to see that my blog is finally visible on google ! it only took 6 months!

The other one is now deleted, this one is more secure.

Another good news is that the spring is here and after a very intense beginning of the year it feels that we don´t only think it will be good with training sessions outside,  it is a must !

For family reasons , I am travelling home often this year ,  Mikael stays at home during this time . I have a big family and my brothers are Bruce Lee big fans like all men and women in my family,  this is probably why many of us train martial arts:-)

A member of my family will be visiting soon and we are planning sessions which will feel very good!

Tough beginning of the year but we won´t let this get us down and soon we can start breathing again!

 

Just in  case you wonder, we are still here, I still train but I am less active in my blog because of family matters. I don´t wish to write about the details right now but I may get back to it later.

On the news side I can say that my god daughter will visit in April, she just started with another style of  martial arts and when she is here in April we plan on an introduction to JKD for her. She is very interested and very dedicated . My other brother also has a daughter in martial arts who happens to be the French junior champion in Karate.

One word ( or five ) : Girls rule in that family  🙂

 

 

 

This is the birthday of our Sifu Ted Wong . This year he would have turned 78 .
We will remember his kindness and his dedication, his expertise and his devotion, his way of making you feel special and his tremendous ability in JKD which made you feel so lucky to be his student .

Today we think about you a little more than usual and thank you.

I have put my JKD training on hold because of the last injury but it does not mean I will ever stop, what I am doing now is making myself stronger to avoid this really tough situation I have been living in for months now.

I have now started with morning trainings with a personal trainer, first to get advice on what I do wrong and then on how I can build muscle  and avoid injuries and stuff.

This morning was the first session it felt very good. I will use the information I got and train by myself twice a week and my PT says it should build some serious grounds just were I need them so I am more than happy and look forward to meet her again next week.

This saturday I booked myself to a yoga class just because of my unhability to relax, I need to see if this could help . Then maybe I will also have to add a swimming time during the weekend, I actually used to compete as a young girl, that made my think that it could also be a good thing for my back. So right now the weekly  plan is:  3-4 times at the gym, one morning session a week with my PT, one swimming session and maybe one yoga session if I like it ( can´t garanty that yet ). After some time I should be both stronger and maybe bigger which means I am going to come back strong and kick som serious A…. 🙂

 

 

No really when will  this problem with my back be solved? whatever treatment I tried these days  it made it worse , now I stopped it all and go back to the gym to start all over again. Next step is a personal trainer who I hope will give me good advice on how to train my back , back in shape and back in normal functionality !

Some say I am too old for this sh…. I say I am too young for this Crap! Enough with the problems and on with the training for God sake! It  has been going on for a while now, it seems anytime I feel I am back something goes wrong and I am down again.

It feels  like I don´t get to reach my goals , you know what one of the principles of JKD is?  first to not let anyone take you down and if you end up down anyway ,get the hell back up ! so no I won´t let this destroy me! everything I tried did not work? well I am gonna try something else but I won´t give up training my friend !

On Saturday I ran up the ski slope two times (not the big one, the backside) I was surprised that I could run so easily, I for sure need more cardio but my legs were surprisingly strong. Will also commented on the strength of his legs and this is a fact: SQUATS!!!!

I try to educate myself about training techniques all the time, I spend a lot of time on different websites and You Tube videos. Overall I think I am getting better at finding out how to train for my body type and for the goals I have.

I am not always happy, I have no patience  (no wonder,  I am French ! ) but I don´t let this discourage me because if I do,  I will never see results, positive or negative.

Lately I think I gained volume and I am not sure I like it, I know there are different phases in training and it is not so easy to find the right balance. I need to try myself through the process until I find the way to build muscles and get rid of fat without extreme dieting. I am not competing and I don´t want to get ripped either but some definition would be nice. I am still looking for the right balance,  not sure I have found it yet.

I definitely have to introduce more cardio because when I ran the slope it is what failed me the second time up, you can´t train martial arts if you almost die after two punches either!

So 4 times a week at the gym to built some strength and muscles, one JKD group session + own training on my punching bag at home, then running (I will also run a 10K race in September in Stockholm).

Hopefully I have built my shoulders enough to avoid new JKD injuries so I can get back on track when it comes to training. I have a tough schedule but I feel good when I train, better than go home after work and stay in the couch like a potato  ( and become one ! )

Walk on !

My training is  good right now, of course not as good as I wish but I will not go too fast and get injured again .

I ´ve had a couple of rough months  but I am feeling much better. There is no secret no training is making me feel bad about myself and when I feel bad, everything else is not good either. In order to take myself out of this, I had to force the mind and be stronger than ever and not let the dark toughts rule my life.

I feel good anytime I  train, always have , if it is heavier now it is because I have not been training enough these last months so I kick myself in the butt and get myself to the gym to build some muscles , get back strong and kick ass!